It is so difficult to move forward, to try to make your life the one that you want to live, when every step is punctuated by overwhelming, sometimes paralyzing anxiety. And not just the steps that involve change. But the everyday steps, like doing work, cleaning the apartment, taking a shower. I'm functional, but that's about it. I wouldn't call what I'm doing right now living, more like existing. And I think that I need to bring myself back to living before any other changes even make sense. But right now, just having that thought is difficult. I can't really describe it in words I haven't already used here. Overwhelmed and paralyzed are exactly what I'm feeling right now, and I don't know how to move forward.
On the plus side, I've started to enjoy the grapefruit. Well, as much as anyone enjoys eating a grapefruit for lunch. I can stomach the flavor, Splenda makes a huge difference. My only lingering issue is the smell of grapefruit that stays on my hands all afternoon. So I guess that's the next grapefruit change to make. Once I figure that out, maybe I'll start using non-plastic utensils.
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